


Careful Fear and Dead Devotion

by oscarwildechilde



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, F/F, First War with Voldemort, M/M, Marauders
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-28
Updated: 2020-11-29
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:35:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,404
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27753175
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oscarwildechilde/pseuds/oscarwildechilde
Summary: They're children fighting a war, clinging to each other to stay alive. But what happens when their luck runs out?First War with Voldemort, focusing on Sirius and Remus' relationship as it progresses. Canon compliant. Rewrite of an old fic of mine.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 2
Kudos: 30





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I've decided to rewrite this fic because I wasn't happy with it and it was old, but I wanted to continue the story!
> 
> Title comes from "Don't Swallow the Cap" by the National

Remus knew that James would give him a disapproving look when he arrived at the house in Godric’s Hollow with a lit cigarette (his third of the past hour), but after the week they’d had, he also knew he wouldn’t say anything. He and Lily thankfully hadn’t been in the fray this time, but they managed to get word to them as soon as they could that he and Sirius were safe. 

Gideon and Fabian weren’t so lucky. They were twenty-five. It hadn’t been quick, and they didn’t go at the same time. Fabian watched his twin die, sputtering horrible black bile from his gut for hours, while sitting on the hospital bed next to him and knowing the same was coming for him. 

“This is worse.” He sobbed, his voice straining with every word “Watching him die is worse than knowing I’m going to die.” 

Remus remembered when twenty-five seemed as ancient to him as Dumbledore. When he was fourteen, he visited his mother’s side of the family for a cousin’s wedding. She was twenty-five then, and he figured she was a proper adult. Now he was twenty-one, and facing a war and he couldn’t believe he ever thought that was old. As much as he fancied himself mature, he knew deep down that they were children. Gideon and Fabian had been children. 

Taking a turn down a side street, he wondered vaguely when things had gotten this bad. It wasn’t overnight, he was sure about that. He couldn’t recall a single moment he could turn to when he knew the world was ending for sure. Then again, neither did the residents of Pompeii. He remembered when things started to feel different, however. He remembered that awful time after Sirius’ so-called “prank” on Severus, when he spent most of his time with Lily. They were patrolling the halls one night, chatting about a new record Lily picked up when she was home for the holidays. 

“The Velvet Underground are visionaries.” She told him “I’ll let you borrow it.” 

“Please.” Remus said eagerly, having read about them in a muggle magazine his mum read “Can you imagine living in New York like that?” 

“It sounds incredible, I just-“ they turned a corner and came across two Slytherin seventh years leaning up against the wall. 

“Hey, it’s after hours.” Lily said, her voice clearly not quite comfortable in authority yet “You’ll have to go back to your common room.”

One of the boys sniggered “Oh, and you’re going to make me?” he said 

Lily turned a little red in the cheeks “Yes. Yes, we are. We’re prefects, I’ll have you know.” 

The boy stopped leaning against the wall and sized her up with a smirk “Oh I know exactly who you two are. I’m just wondering why you think I’m going to listen to the likes of you?” 

Remus could tell Lily’s temper was about to flair up “Listen, you can either go back to your common room now, or i’ll start taking off house points or report you to your head of house. It’s up to you.”

The shorter boy let out a laugh “Oh, you hear that McNair? We’ll loose house points!” he clutched his hand to his chest dramatically 

“Oh well, we can’t have that! Guess we’ll just have to do what she says.” said the other with a toothy grin 

“You can’t talk to her like that.” Remus said 

McNair cackled “Well look who grew a backbone! I’d be mindful of you sticking your snout where it doesn’t belong, Lupin. You never know who knows what around here.” 

Remus went pale and stopped in his tracks. 

“These stupid little mud-bloods are getting too big for their britches if you ask me.” 

“I thought Lupin was half?” McNair asked

“Yeah, but his mother is a full muggle, can you believe that?” he said, sneering “My father always said any trace ruins the wizard. Plus, his father is only half himself, so he barely even counts.”

“No doubt about Evans, though.”

Lily’s face was almost as bright as her hair and she whipped out her wand. Quickly, Remus grabbed her arm and held her back. The Slytherin boys cackled, but turned on their heels to walk away. Lily swiveled around to face him, furious. 

“What the fuck, Lupin?” She demanded

“It’s not worth it.” he hissed 

“Not worth it?” She shouted “Remus, did you hear any of that? What they said about me? What they said about you?

He shut his eyes and took a breath “Of course I heard it.”

“Then how are you not furious? How can you just sit there and let them talk to you like that?”

“Of course I’m mad!” He said through gritted teeth “But how are you not used to it by now? How often are muggleborns attacked in the halls, let alone out on the streets? The papers are reporting more and more attacks on people like us. They don’t care about detentions or point deductions anymore, Lily. They only care about causing pain and suffering. They could do anything to us this far into the castle, backed into a corner like that.” 

Lily gaped at him “You really think like that? About having an exit strategy?” 

“You don’t?” Remus was stuck in a room without an escape plan before. Never again.

Remus shook his head and brought his thoughts back to the present as he came across the house. He pulled his wand out and tapped a specific rhythm on the gate that barred entry to what anybody else would see was an empty lot covered in weeds. He heard a chime and the gate swung open, revealing the Potter’s house. He tapped once at the door and waited a moment before tapping twice again. 

Lily swung the door open and took a deep breath of relief when she saw it was Remus. She practically leapt at him, her heavily pregnant stomach keeping some distance between the two of them. 

“Oh, thank God.” she said into his shoulder 

“I’m okay, Lily. I’m okay.” He said, hugging her close. She pulled away to get a good look at him. 

“They told me you and Sirius were fine. I knew you were fine, but something… I just couldn’t believe it until I saw you. I needed to know it was real.” 

“Is that Remus?” James called from behind her. He ran up and looked equally relieved, putting a hand on his shoulder and squeezing hard. He looked into Remus’ face as if he would forget what Remus looked like if he stopped. 

“Did Sirius get here already?” Remus asked. Sirius left early to share the news about the attack, and about Gideon and Fabian while Remus reported back to Mad-Eye. 

James nodded “He’s out back. Peter’s there too.” 

Remus exhaled. It seemed that all of them held their breath until they were in sight of one another these days.

“I’m going to put on a pot of tea. You go.” Lily said. James put a hand on the side of her belly and kissed her as he passed, leading the way to the back garden. 

Sirius and Peter sat on the brick steps in the back. They didn’t speak, but stared straight ahead, lost in their own thoughts. Sirius turned to look at them as they came out and fixed his eyes on Remus. He held out an arm and Remus understood his silent message and went over, centering himself by putting a hand on the side of Sirius’ head and kissing him. Sirius pulled him closer so Remus was practically perched on his lap. There were times when they did things like this when James and Peter would take the piss, lamenting Sirius’ habit of public displays of affection and beg for them to get a room, but they were silent now. Remus took out another cigarette and offered one to Sirius, waiting for him to put it between his lips before lighting it for him with the old muggle lighter his mother gave him. The whole exchange was wordless, a rhythm built on years of similar interactions. 

The four of them were quiet for a long while before Peter spoke “I should have been there.” he said

Sirius shook his head “There was nothing you could have done. Either of you.” 

James frowned at the ground. Remus knew he somehow felt personally responsible when something happened. Like he could have prevented it. 

“We were outnumbered.” Remus said. Sirius’ hand on his own tightened “It was like an ambush.”

“When they said two of ours died, I was sure…” James stuttered 

“Bellatrix was there.” Sirius said “She was out for us, but the rest of them… It took five of them to get Gideon and Fabian.”

Sirius shivered and took a deep drag of his cigarette and laced his arms around Remus’ waist

They went back inside as a chill set in the air. James made them vanish the smell of smoke from their clothes before they went in around Lily and the baby. 

“Overprotective.” She accused as they came back in 

Nobody was particularly hungry, so they just lingered around in the kitchen. Remus wished he had something to do with his hands to keep them from shaking. Sirius stayed close, hovering in the sides of his vision and periodically touching him as he passed by to get another drink or move to the other side of the kitchen to talk to James. Normally, Remus would be annoyed by this. He didn’t particularly like people clinging to him, but today he was grateful for the reminder that he didn’t imagine their escape. 

As it grew late, Lily dozed off on James’ shoulder and Remus’ eyelids began to droop. Sirius shook him gently “We should go home.” he said. 

Goodbyes seemed to take longer than they used to. Everyone lingered in the touch of the others, squeezing a little too tight. Remus was thankful that Dumbledore relented and allowed their flats to be connected to the floo network on a limited basis. They assured him it was safer than having them come and go, “Which we’re going to do even if you tell us not to.” Sirius told him

———

When they finally stepped out of the green flames into the flat, Sirius immediately pulled Remus into a deep, frenzied kiss. Remus returned it with equal energy, wrapping his arms around him. Sirius and Remus had been together since they were sixteen. There were a lot of ways for a couple of so many years to kiss, to have sex, even to sit in silence. They knew the alcoves of each others’ bodies better than anybody else. There was nobody else in the world who knew the rough topography of Remus’ skin, the networks of interconnected scars that marred his flesh. Remus could trace Sirius’ tattoos with his eyes closed.

Through the years they discovered awkward, quiet fumbling in their beds at Hogwarts and giddy, giggling sex with the warmth of firewhiskey radiating from their cheeks, and the kind of sex that came after a massive row, where they didn’t care about the scrapes on their backs from the exposed brick in their apartment, or the bruises from hands placed too roughly on hips. With the war came something new. It was desperate, and clinging. The need for a release combined with the desperation for closeness, the need to feel the life within the other to prove that it was still there. Sirius wrapped his arms around Remus, pulling him close until he could feel the quickened exhale of his lungs against his own. Remus clutched Sirius’ hair, pulling him in for a deeper kiss, not even caring that their teeth clashed together.

“I love you, I love you.” Sirius muttered into his mouth.

“I need you.” Remus replied with a low voice.

They moved slowly through the flat, fumbling with shirts and cloaks and trousers as they made their way to their bedroom. They tumbled into bed, neither wanting to break contact. Sirius pulled them down so that he was sitting on the edge of the bed, arms wrapped tightly around Remus while he straddled his hips. 

Remus pulled away for a moment to catch his breath. He could feel a heaviness on his chest from smoking too much and took a deep breath to steady himself. Sirius drew his hands over Remus’ chest, tracing the long scar that cut a line from his collarbone to his navel. Remus used to flinch away from his touch when he did this, but now he gazed down at him in anticipation as Sirius leaned down and kissed down his chest, over the purple bruise that bloomed across his torso from where he was thrown down during the fight. He made his way back up to Remus’ throat and felt the pulse that was miraculously still going and paused. 

Remus groaned in frustration as he slowed “Sirius…”

“Hey.” Sirius said, stopping for a moment to look at him “I’m glad I didn’t lose you.” 

Remus looked down at him and put a hand on his cheek “I love you.” 

Sirius flipped them over so he was leaning over the taller man and kissed him again, tenderly this time. Remus hands drifted downwards to fumble with Sirius’ belt and trousers.


	2. Chapter 2

Remus fell into a dreamless sleep, his limbs tangled together with Sirius’ like a gangly, eight legged creature. For once, he woke up first, blinking at the sunlight creeping into their room. He gently got himself out form under Sirius, who was splayed out and snoring. He deserved the sleep. Remus put on some boxers and a shirt of Sirius’ that hung loose over his thin frame. Typically Sirius was up like a bullet, Remus wasn't sure where he got the energy. It drove him mad most of the time, ever since they were kids.

Still disoriented from sleep, he shuffled to the kitchen and started the coffee pot. He knew he could make it easier with magic, but Remus swore he could taste the difference- so he always used the ancient machine his mother gave them when they moved in to the flat. He dumped twice the amount of coffee grounds as needed in the filter and accidentally splashed the counter with water in the process, but he was too tired to care right away. He yawned and leaned down so his chin rested on the counter. He could see into the bedroom from here and he smiled softly as he watched Sirius sleep, bed sheets tangled around his waist and a mess of black hair splayed out wildly on his pillow. Today was a rare morning of quiet. Neither of them had any Order duties, save for meeting that night, Sirius didn't have training with Mad-Eye, and Remus didn’t have to work. Days like this were so few and far between that it was hard for them to not feel special, despite the dark cloud that fell over them these days. Remus imagined a carefree day, walking around London or just laying around in bed. 

His thoughts were interrupted by a series of quick thumps on the door. The last remnants of sleep were driven from his mind immediately, and he snatched his wand off the counter. Remus flicked it at the bedroom door, shutting it and ensuring that Sirius would at least have enough time to get to his feet if someone were to attack. There was another thump on the door and Remus’ heart jumped with it. The flat was old, it didn’t have a peephole on the door. He kept the chain over it and opened it a crack, wand drawn low. 

His own eyes were staring back at him and Remus let out an exhale. He closed the door again to release the chain and opened it properly. 

“Dad, what are you doing here?” Remus asked, trying to get his heart to quiet down as he locked the door behind him. Lyall stormed into the living room and threw what must be the latest issue of the Daily Prophet down on the counter. 

“Your mother and I get some cryptic note from you in the middle of the night about how you’re ‘safe but can’t say more now’, and as if that’s not ominous enough, I open the paper this morning to see that those Prewett boys were murdered last night.” Lyall said, staring furiously at his son “So I managed to put two and two together about what you were doing.” 

“Dad, I’m fine, I swear.” Remus said 

“Like hell you’re fine!” Lyall fumed “You made me a promise, Remus. When all of this nonsense started, you promised me you would stay out of it!”

Remus pinched the bridge of his nose “It’s not that simple and you know it.” 

“You’re fighting in a war, Remus. And you lied to me and your mother about it, don’t you think we have a right to know what our own child is doing? What if you had been killed? What if-“

“Dad, I’m not a child anymore. I’m 21 years old.” Remus said 

“And you think that makes you a man?” Lyall demanded, getting into Remus' face “You have no idea what you’re getting yourself into, you have no idea what these people are capable of.” 

“I know what I’m doing!” Remus hissed back “I’ve seen what they’re capable of, and I can’t just sit around and let it happen.” 

Lyall glared at him and continued pacing the flat. Remus became aware that there was still a slew of clothes trailing to their bedroom. His father was never quite comfortable with the fact that he and Sirius lived together, and Remus could never be sure if it was because they were queer or because of Sirius’ family. He would never say anything, but he knew Lyall had never quite understood. 

“Are you doing this for him?” Lyall said, his voice lowered

“No, dad, it’s not for him.” Remus sighed “Despite what you may think, I am capable of making my own decisions.” 

“They want to kill you, do you not understand that?”

“Who wants to kill me dad? The Death Eaters, or Sirius? Because he is not the same as his family.” Remus said, perhaps for the hundredth time since the two became friends in first year “And in case you forgot, the Ministry of Magic also wants me dead.” 

They stared at each other for a moment. Lyall and Remus had a complicated relationship, fraught with years of guilt and insecurity. Lyall was a good man, and he did everything he could for Remus, but it didn’t mean they saw eye to eye. Remus couldn’t shake the feeling that Lyall looked at him and saw his biggest failure reflected in the scars on his son’s body. He looked at the floor “I just… I want you to be safe, Remus. I want you to be alive.” 

“I’m not going anywhere.” 

“You think you’re indestructible. You don’t understand that you have limitations, you never have.” Lyall said “You’re reckless, and you have no idea what you’re getting into.”

Remus shut his eyes, his teeth gritted “And what would you know about it? You don’t have any stake in this.”

“Oh, I have no stake in this? Really? I have a muggle wife and a werewolf child, do you not think I wake up every morning terrified for you both?” Lyall snapped “I have seen children fight and die in wars that they had no business fighting in.” 

“I’d rather die than sit around and do nothing!” Remus fumed

“Tell that to the family of those poor boys last night! Do you think they’d rather their children be home doing nothing instead of in a wooden box?” Lyall yelled

Remus thought back briefly to Molly Weasley, sobbing over the twins’ bodies last night and felt a pang of guilt. The door to the bedroom opened up and Sirius came out, wearing a pair of loose fitting sweatpants.

“Lyall, with all due respect, I’m not going to let anything happen to Remus.” Sirius said. Lyall frowned and looked from one to the other

“Sirius, I appreciate that, but there just isn’t any way to guarantee that, is there?” 

“And there’s no way to guarantee that an air conditioner won’t fall out of the sky and kill him either.” Sirius shrugged

He'd meant it as a joke, but Lyall just sighed “You’re both too young. You just… You have no idea.” 

“Dad, I’m sorry. I just… I’m not going to stop.” Remus said 

“No. No, I expect not.” He said “You’ve made your choice, I suppose.”

“Dad-“ 

“I should go.” he said simply. He disappeared as quickly as he’d arrived and Remus turned his back to the door angrily and poured himself a cup of coffee. He slammed a drawer shut as he grabbed a spoon. 

“He’s just worried about you.” Sirius said, trying to be diplomatic 

“Oh he’s always bloody worried.” He moved through the kitchen, opening drawers and cabinets “But his solution is always the same, it’s always ‘just stay out of it Remus, just keep your nose clean! Mustn’t stir the pot, Remus!’ Where are my cigarettes?”

Sirius thought it best not to comment on Remus’ growing nicotine habit and simply summoned the pack with a flick of his wand. Remus accepted them gratefully and placed one between his lips and lit it, taking a long drag. 

“He loves you. You can’t blame him for that.” Sirius said

Remus rubbed his temple. “I know. I know he does. I just- I wish we understood each other is all.” he sighed “I’m sorry. I know it’s shitty of me to complain about my relationship with my father when your family is the way it is.” 

Sirius shrugged “Just because my family are all fascist assholes doesn’t mean your parents have to be sunshine and rainbows all the time.” he said, slipping past Remus to get to the coffee pot, kissing the side of his head as he did. 

He leaned on the counter “I always expect him to be different. Like I’ll go home and be really excited about something and expect his first comment to be something supportive, but it’ll inevitably be something ‘are you sure that’s a good idea?’ or ‘remember not to draw too much attention to yourself.’”

Sirius gave him a sympathetic look “I’m sorry.” he said “What’s that thing McGonagall always goes on about ‘fear makes people do strange things’?” 

“I know. I know. I just… It’s not like the Ministry is going to all of a sudden start treating werewolves right if we win. I don’t have much to gain from us winning, but I have so much to lose if we don’t.”

“We’re going to win.” Sirius said, looking an arm around Remus’ waist and kissing him “It’s just a low moment, is all.”

Remus kissed him back “I’m sorry we woke you. And that my father implied you’re a Death Eater.”

Sirius shrugged and lazily kissed the other’s neck “Clearly I’m a Death Eater. I’m amazed you haven’t noticed.”

“Oh?” Remus laughed “And what is this, deep cover work?”

“Well someone has to do it.” he grinned and kissed him “I’m taking one for the team. Unless you’d rather Snivellus do it.”

Remus scrunched up his nose “Way to ruin the mood there.” he laughed “Do you want to go to that record store today? We don’t have a meeting until 7.” 

“Honestly? I just want to stay here.” Sirius said, putting his chin on Remus' shoulder “When do we ever get the chance to stay in bed all day?”

“A little presumptuous, Mr. Padfoot.” Remus said “Whatever would we do in bed all day long?”

“Oh I can think of a few things.”

————

“I told you we should have left earlier!” Remus hissed through gritted teeth as they apparated outside the Order headquarters. The meetings started at exactly 7pm, not a minute later.

“Oh excuse me, Mr. ‘oh no, I can go again!’.” Sirius snapped, dropping Remus’ arm and waving his wand at the door 

“It’s my fault is it? You’re the one who pulled the ‘No, no, hold it, it’ll feel better if you-‘“ 

“Mr. Lupin, Mr, Black.” Remus swiveled around to see Professor McGonagall standing at the door, her arms crossed before her. He very suddenly felt like he was 17 again and caught skiving off class.

“Professor!” Sirius said, his voice cracking slightly. Remus turned bright red.

“I’m disappointed to see that your ability to arrive on time has not improved since leaving school.” she said, her voice dry. 

“Sorry Professor, we were just-“

“I don’t need an explanation, Mr. Lupin.” She said quickly “The meeting has just started, I’ll beg you to hurry inside.” 

They shuffled past her and into the dining room of the small house, not making eye contact with anyone as they passed. James nudged Sirius with his elbow as he took a seat to his left.

“Shut up.” Sirius mumbled

Dumbledore glanced over at them, his eyes twinkling “Trouble with traffic, I expect?” 

Remus cleared his throat “Sorry, Professor.” 

“That’s quite alright, my boy.” He chuckled

“If now is a good time for everybody, I’d like to get on with it.” Mad-Eye snapped from his position at the head of the table. Dumbledore gestured for him to continue “Right then. I’m sure by now you’ll all have heard about the Prewetts.”

There was a glum silence over the group and Remus set his elbows on the thick wooden table.

“They took us by surprise. I don’t like it. I’m asking that we double up on patrols. I know you’re all stretched thin as it is, but they’re outnumbering us now and I won’t have another gang up like that again, understood?” 

“Have recruitment efforts been going, Alastor?” Dorcas Meadowes asked from the corner of the room 

“Not well.” Mad-Eye admitted “People are tired of the war, I won’t lie. And with he uptick in attacks, it hasn’t been good.”

“And the Ministry? I know they were planning on upping their presence in high-traffic areas.” Caradoc Dearborn said 

Deadalus Diggle spoke up, his voice high pitched as ever “They’re doing what they can, but unfortunately a lot of the attacks are happening in muggle areas. The Department of Magical Law Enforcement has been calling on other departments more and more, particularly with the... Non-human element.”

“Non-Human?” Marlene asked “There’s been nothing in the Prophet.”

“No, they’re keeping it hush-hush.” Benjy Fenwick said from beside Mad-Eye. He worked for the Department for the Control of Magical Creatures. Despite this, Remus quite liked him, although he kept his distance. The members of the Order only knew about his Lycanthropy on a need-to-know basis “But there has been a definite uptick in attacks. Mostly in heavily wooded areas, small villages and the like.”

“What kind of ‘non-human’ are we talking about?” Alice Longbottom asked “Let’s not beat around the bush, here.”

“Werewolves.” Benjy said “We have fairly reliable intelligence about a particularly nasty one leading a pack up north who’re being courted by You-Know-Who, goes by the name of Fenrir Greyback.” 

Remus went rigid, tightening his fists until his knuckles were white under the table. He felt like the wind had been knocked out of his chest, as if he’d fallen from a great distance. He focused all his energy on keeping his face from betraying anything.

“I remember Greyback from a few years back.” Elphias Dodge said “The Ministry ran into some trouble with him, it would have been before most of your times. But he had some philosophy around targeting young children near the full moon.” 

“Bite them young.” Remus said. His voice came out distant. Sirius glanced at him quickly, but nobody else seemed to notice. 

“I’m sorry, but what would Voldemort want with a man like Greyback? They’re all obsessed with blood purity, I would think that a werewolf would be, I don’t know, beneath them?” Mary said “And if so, why would Greyback put his support behind him?”

“I mean, things haven’t exactly been pleasant for werewolves under the Ministry these days.” Lily said, trying not to look at Remus “Many of them have to think that it can’t be much worse under Voldemort than it is now.” 

“Seems a bit counter-productive.” Marlene said 

“Things aren’t great, but a lot of it has to be because of You-Know-Who’s people in the Ministry.” Edgar Bones said 

“Hating werewolves is not a sentiment exclusive to Death Eaters.” Remus snapped, surprising even himself. He took a breath “What I mean, is that these systems existed before Voldemort existed, and they’ll likely be there for a long time. You can’t fault people for believing someone who promises them a better life.” 

“Er, quite right.” Benjy said “Let’s get off politics for a moment, yes? What’s important is that we’re aware of their next move, we know Voldemort is trying to get the packs on his side, so perhaps it’s time to intervene.”

“What, get the werewolves on our side instead?” Someone joked. A few people around the table chuckled and Remus felt a flash of heat rise over his face. Lily put a hand on Remus’ knee and he shrugged it off. 

“Don’t be a dick, Podmore.” Sirius seethed 

Remus had never wanted to get up and walk away or knock the table to the ground more in his life, but he forced himself to sit quietly, digging his fingers into his knees. He tuned out the rest of the meeting, not processing any of it. When Dumbledore finally called it to an end, Remus was the first out the door, ignoring the others’ calls after him as he apparated directly into the flat. 

Sirius appeared after him a few moments later as Remus lit a cigarette with the end of his wand. 

“Alright, what the hell was that about?” he said, locking the door behind them 

“I’m not in the mood, Sirius.” he snapped, rather unfairly as Sirius hadn’t done anything to him. 

“Oi, I’m on your side here.” Sirius retorted “Was it what Sturgis said?”

“It’s not about Sturgis.”

“Benjy, then.”

“I don’t have a problem with Benjy.” Remus said “I’m just- I’m tired, can we not do this now?”

“You always do that.” 

“Do what?”

“Keep me- keep us at arms length when this comes up.” Sirius said “We just want to help you.” 

“I don’t need help.” 

“Was it about this Greyback bloke?” 

“Christ, do you ever know when to drop it?” Remus fumed. He crossed his arms and took an indignant step towards the bedroom “I told you I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Tough. Who is he to you?” Sirius followed him, cutting him off before he was able to leave the room.

“You know I don’t have to tell you everything. I’m entitled to keep some aspects of my life to myself.” 

“Lupin, this is clearly bothering you, so just-“

“He’s the one who bit me, alright?” Remus yelled. He took a breath, instinctively touching the spot on his shoulder, which was still a sinewy mess of scar tissue that pulled against the rest of his skin- deep even among his many scars “Fenrir Greyback was the werewolf who bit me.” 

Sirius stopped in his tracks and blinked at Remus “Fuck.” he breathed “I thought- I thought you didn’t know who it was?” 

“I didn’t.” Remus took a long drag and ashed his cigarette in an empty teacup on the counter “My dad told me a couple of years ago. After we left school.” 

“Why didn’t you tell us?” Sirius asked, quieter now, more gentle.

Remus closed his eyes and sighed “Who would that help, Sirius? I don’t… I don’t feel any more happier or more fulfilled for knowing. If anything, it… I love you, okay? I just don’t think you can understand.” 

Sirius frowned “I can try. Don’t I always try?” 

“Yeah. Yeah, you do.” Remus said. He pinched the bridge of his nose “Look, I just- I’m tired. The moon is coming up and I just… I want to go to sleep, can we not get into it right now?” 

Sirius studied his face, clearly not satisfied by this answer and looked about ready to argue before he stood down “Fine.”


End file.
